Bloomberg Spent A Bazillion Dollars Just To Win A Girl Scout Cookie

Mike Bloomberg won his first contest carrying the American Samoa Democratic Caucuses on Super Tuesday earning an astronomical four delegates.

An unincorporated U.S. territory since 1900, America Samoa covers seven South Pacific islands and is home to about 55,000 people. Because American Samoa is a territory and does not have any representation in Congress, it has zero electoral votes in the presidential election.

Bloomberg garnered 49.9 percent of the vote. Tulsi Gabbard, a native of American Samoa, received 29.3 percent.

The arrogant sumbitch failed to meet the 15 percent threshold required to win delegates in most Super Tuesday states, earning only a small number of delegates and lagging waaaaay behind Uncle Joe and Comrade Bernie in the delegate count.

And now the innertoobs are rife with reports No Box is “reassessing his candidacy with advisers.”

The Associated Press published a report saying, “A person close to the Bloomberg campaign confirmed the deliberations. The person wasn’t authorized to discuss the matter by name and requested anonymity. Bloomberg flew back to New York after campaigning Tuesday in Florida, a state that votes March 17 and where he’s already spent millions.”

When he gets back to his mansion, Mike should sit down with his cookies and a nice, big glass of ice cold milk just like his nanny used to serve him as an afternoon treat after school.  The nostalgia should remind him of the simpler, better days of his childhood before his hubris caused him to thoroughly embarrass himself.

El Bloombito Es Un Supremo Bastardo

When snooty little Mike Bloomberg became mayor of New York he studied Spanish with a private instructor. He became known for summarizing his remarks at his news conferences in Spanish.

When the tiny tyrant speaks the language, it sounds like his tongue gets tangled on his eye tooth so he can’t see what he’s saying.  He constantly accents the wrong syllable.

His tin-eared, flat-toned delivery and mispronunciations at news conferences leading up to Tropical Storm Irene’s strike in 2011 inspired a young writer, Rachel Figueroa-Levin, to create the @ElBloombito Twitter account, which warned New Yorkers to prepare for “el stormo grande.”

“Hola Newo Yorko! El stormo grande is mucho dangeroso!” she tweeted.

“Fill los bathtub con agua por preparando el no agua. Los floodwaters!”

“Remain in la casa para much rain y lightningo y thundera! El Bang Bang!”

So, Bloombito was spending time in Texas for the Super Tuesday primary when he corrected a reporter’s pronunciation of the word “Texas” as she asked, “You’ve spent a lot of time in Texas?”

Reporter: You've spent a lot of time in Texas?

El Bloombito: Tejas, we'd say here

Reporter: What'd you say?

Bloombito: Tejas

Reporter: Tejas?

Bloombito: That's Spanish for 'Texas'

Reporter: Okay pic.twitter.com/AikiK16k94

— Dan Nguyen (@dancow) March 3, 2020

“Las Venom” Democratic Debate Cliffs Notes

That was me laughing my ass off for two solid hours while Mini Mike did countless faceplants.  God love Lizzie The Liar.  Bless Uncle Joe’s heart.  Poor little Amy.  Boot Edge Edge has such a punchable face I was throwing popcorn at the TV whenever he appeared on the screen.

Rather than writing a dissertation on the disastrous debate, I decided to just conjure up some Photoshops® that tell the story and throw in a few juicy tweets for good measure.

 

If you think the Democrats had a bad night, imagine being a Never-Trumper watching that clown show.

This is like the red wedding of debates. And I’m here for all of it. All of it. #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/WwSQmzpEmp

— Meghan McCain (@MeghanMcCain) February 20, 2020

Warren might not win the nomination but she's trying her damnedest to make sure Bloomberg don't either #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/iIgSmdaETK

— Darth Kriss (@insanityreport) February 20, 2020

Bloomberg fans right now. #DemDebate pic.twitter.com/k4D9AN95nD

— Sean O'Brien (@NakedCondor) February 20, 2020

Snooty Billionaire Gets His Turn In The Barrel

There have been eight presidential debate clown shows staged by the Democrat Party thus far.  Tonight’s debate from the Paris Hotel and Casino in Vegas is one I am stoked to watch.

When Bloomberg steps onto the debate stage he will be ready to “dismiss rivals like Joe Biden who as Vice President made speeches that somebody wrote for him.”  He will denigrate Boot Edge Edge as a “mayor of a town. Let’s not get carried away.”

The Financial Times reports “The Bloomberg campaign has already forked over $147 million on the 14 states that hold primaries on March 3, often called Super Tuesday, when 1,357 delegates are up for grabs. The other candidates have spent a combined $46m on Super Tuesday states so far."

It will be the first time the man behind the ads has debated in over a decade and the first time he will be forced to answer for his past racial and sexist comments before a national audience.

Bloomberg’s handlers are trying to keep expectations low noting his rivals have had multiple debates to hone their skills and talking points. On the campaign trail he uses a teleprompter to deliver his short stump speeches (pun intended) and rarely takes questions from voters.  I see danger and I like it. 

The DNC announced last month that it was doing away with the grassroots donor threshold that had been used to qualify for the previous eight debates.

Bloomberg had not qualified for earlier debates because he was not accepting campaign donations.

"To now change the rules in the middle of the game to accommodate Mike Bloomberg, who is trying to buy his way into the Democratic nomination, is wrong," said Jeff Weaver, one of Sanders' top advisers.  "That's the definition of a rigged system."

What I’ll be watching for is Mini Mike to explode.  POLITICO is predicting the former New York mayor’s “irritability with questions he deems unwarranted and controversies he feels he has already put to bed could undermine his debut on the debate stage.”

Top Bloomberg lieutenants and policy experts have been preparing him for what would be the most unscripted event yet of his three-month-old campaign. As the prep sessions have ramped up, his team is working to get him to project comfort and composure in the line of fire, while portraying him as the toughest Democrat to take on President Trump.

His rivals, who have been piling on in recent days, will try to rattle him by attacking his record causing his minions to worry an unsteady showing alongside practiced candidates could stall his momentum and swallow his gains.

Just a short walk down Las Vegas Boulevard is Caesars Palace.  I mention this only because the debate tonight reminds me of the classic Hollywood movies of gruesome gladiatorial combat in Rome’s Colosseum. If “Bloombergus Minimus” disgraces himself during this debate, voters will have the pleasure of giving the little guy a “thumbs down” gesture.

This presidential election cycle is the strangest event we may ever experience, and the shocks may not be over yet.

UPDATE:

Here’s @RalstonReports, one of Wednesday’s debate moderators, saying that many Bernie supporters are “beserk” and “out of control” and suggests that some of them are doing it as “their job”
pic.twitter.com/W5ZDDj0erW

— 29 U.S.C. § 157 (@OrganizingPower) February 18, 2020

UPDATE II:  Welcome readers of Whatfinger News. 

Are The Never-Trumpers Dropping Acid Like Timothy Leary Now?

Christopher Bedford of The Federalist website wrote on Monday, “The Never-Trumpers are a joke kept alive by a structure of self-support. They haven’t been correct on a single thing in years yet continue to earn their supper and an invitation to the party by wholeheartedly agreeing with their new patrons. They predicted ruin when the President was nominated and doom when he was elected, all while his poll numbers have continued to tick upward. They prophesied the shattering of the Republican Party all while it has maintained near-historic discipline in the face of a unified Democrat-media assault. They assumed the end of the economy because America reacted to unfair international trade practices and terrible global disasters because Donald Trump withdrew from the Paris Climate Accord and killed Iran’s terrorist general.”

“All of their predictions are based on the conventional wisdom and assumptions of an insulted and excluded D.C. intelligentsia, and all are wrong. Indeed, Trump’s above decisions have resulted in the very things the Never-Trump Republicans once called for, including closing America’s sizable income gap and maintaining a strength and deterrence that are independent of entangling foreign powers.”

Enter turncoat Bill Kristol who has made some very odd attempts at reclaiming his mantle as someone conservatives should care about. First he founded The Bulwark, a website wholly devoted to taking down President Trump after his Weekly Standard went belly up.  Then he left the GOP lock, stock and barrel in reaction to the Senate’s 51-49 decision not to call witnesses in the President’s impeachment trial by declaring himself a Democrat.

What Cap’n Bill seems to be suggesting is conservatives and Republicans should feel compelled to abandon their core principles on abortion, gun rights, taxation, education, climate change policy and any other conservative and constitutional issues simply to get rid of Trump.

This idea that we should hand the entire government over to Toothy McBig Tits AOC and the Squad so Kristol can ride in on the back of Mitt Romney’s horse to reclaim the mantle of conservative leadership is a fevered acid dream reminiscent of Timothy Leary.

From The Bulwark:

“For the good of the country, Senator Romney should run for president as an independent.”

“With the Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders now the frontrunner and the political arsonist Donald Trump as the Republican incumbent, there is a yawning chasm that has never before existed in American politics. By retreating to their poles, our two major parties have left tens of millions of independents and moderate Democrats and Republicans unrepresented.”

The author of this drivel, Neal Simon (no, not the playwright), argues the odds are long for any independent candidate citing the arbitrary benchmark to qualify and access to sufficient capital to launch a campaign.  Simon also points out they lack the name recognition of being affiliated with the two major parties.

Did I mention the Never-Trumpers are dropping acid? “A Romney-Bloomberg ticket would be a first in modern American politics: A bipartisan unity ticket running under the banner of an independent third party.”

Simon says, “It would give both disgruntled Republicans who feel their party has become lost in Trump’s personality cult and Democrats who feel their party is lurching too far left towards a socialist revolution a voice on the ballot that reflects a popular idea of how the country should be run.”

Romney has been disinvited to the 2020 CPAC Convention, he’s been ostracized and excommunicated from the GOP.  Senators won’t sit with him at the lunch table according to Sen. Rand Paul.  He even faced a recall and censure vote in the Utah State House.

Bloomberg is now a prime target for his decades-long record of policy stances and insensitive remarks that have offended entire swaths of the electorate.

Kristol’s notion of Romney as his “savior” is preposterous, idiotic, absurd.

City Slicker Bloomberg: It’s Pasture Your Bedtime

There is precious little Uncle Joe Biden says you can agree with, however on Sunday’s Meet the Press, he was actually quite cogent when he pointed out that Bloomberg’s $60 billion can buy a lot of advertising, but it can’t erase your record.”

He’s already spent about $300 million on his campaign. He’s promised to spend up to $1 billion. He’s run ads during the Super Bowl. He’s saturating the airwaves in Super Tuesday states.

In November of 2016, Michael Bloomberg addressed the SaÏd Business School at the University of Oxford in Great Britain as part of their Distinguished Speaker Series.  Here’s what he told the audience:

Bloomberg on why farmers can’t work in information technology

MB: “I can teach anyone how to be a farmer 1 dig a hole 2 put a seed in 3 put dirt on top 4 add water 5 up comes the corn”

The skill 4information technology is completely different you need more grey matter#farmers pic.twitter.com/HM13tA6goz

— Pete (@PeterMentes) February 15, 2020

“It’s a process. You dig a hole, you put a seed in, you put dirt on top, add water, up comes the corn. You could learn that.”

How to be a Tech Thought Leader:

1. sit on stage chair
2. pin on lapel mic
3. cue assistant to flash powerpoint slide titled "Yada Yada: Machine Learning Technology?"
4. say "Yada yada, profound challenge of big data machine learning, yada yada"

*this one is not satire

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) February 17, 2020

In the 1930's, one farmer could feed four people. In the 1970's that number rose to 73 people. 

According to a published report by the U.S. Department of Agriculture  Modern farms and agricultural operations work far differently than those a few decades ago, primarily because of advancements in technology, including sensors, devices, machines, and information technology. Today’s agriculture routinely uses sophisticated technologies such as robots, temperature and moisture sensors, aerial images, and GPS technology. These advanced devices and precision agriculture and robotic systems allow businesses to be more profitable, efficient, safer, and more environmentally friendly.

Now, a single farmer produces enough food to feed 155 people.

Agricultural land takes up 391 million acres—a fifth of the land in the 48 contiguous states—only 77.3 million of those acres are used to grow the food we eat, while 800 million acres go toward feeding cows and other livestock. That makes up 41% of the contiguous U.S. and is roughly equal to the size of India.

For comparison, the same study found that urban areas made up only 3.6% of the total size of the 48 contiguous states.

Farmers are the backbone of America. They are the men and women who work in the searing heat and bitter cold to put food on our tables and clothes on our backs. They rise with the sun to tend crops and stay up late to review accounts. They fight off invasive insects and battle unpredictable weather.

An acre of Kansas wheat produces enough bread to feed nearly 9,000 people a day.  Minnesota ranks first in the nation in production of sugar beets, sweet corn and green peas.  About 60% of Idaho’s potato crop is processed into French fries and tater tots.  A single steer can produce about 720 quarter-pounder burgers.  In Nebraska, the nation’s top producer of commercial red meat, cattle outnumber Nebraskans by nearly four to one.  If you like cherry pie, thank Utah which harvests 2 billion cherries a year.

Bacon and sausage are breakfast mainstays, but they wouldn’t be so readily available without dedicated pork producers in states like Iowa, the No. 1 pork producing and exporting state in the U.S.

In a statement on the video which has gone viral, Bloomberg campaign spokesman Stu Loeser accused Trump allies of taking the video out of context.

"The Trump team cut off the first part of Mike's sentence where he said 'if you think about the agrarian society [that] lasted 3000 years, we could teach processes,'" he said. "Mike wasn't talking about today's farmers at all, and Team Trump is deliberately misleading Americans because Donald Trump’s erratic policies have devastated American farms, including a 20% increase in U.S. farm bankruptcies last year."

The Bloomberg campaign statement, however, does not mention he was talking about educating modern farmers for a modern economy in the video and does not address his comment on farmers and factory workers needing more "gray matter" to do jobs in the information economy.

Rep. Fred Keller (R-PA), who represents a very large, rural district with over 10,500 farms, condemned Bloomberg's comments in a Monday morning statement.

"I bet Mike Bloomberg could not even change a tire on his car, let alone deal with the myriad of issues farmers deal with on a daily basis. Bloomberg's comments about the intelligence of farmers are ignorant, derogatory, and small-minded," Keller said. "Unlike Mike Bloomberg, President Donald Trump has stood up for Pennsylvania's farmers and hardworking individuals across our nation. Thanks to President Trump's Administration, 17,000 Pennsylvania agricultural jobs will benefit as a result of the United States-Mexico-Canada Agreement (USMCA) and better trade deals with countries like China."

I wish someone would corner this mental midget (pun intended), lock him in a room and run the following video on an endless loop until he whimpers uncontrollably.

Just When You Thought The Democratic Primary Couldn’t Get Any More Ridiculous, Here Comes Hillary?

The Drudge Report siren just isn’t what it used to be.  There was a time when Matt Drudge was the go-to source for conservative news.  Those days are sadly gone with the wind since the site adopted its anti-Trump slant.

Sources close to the Bloomberg campaign told Drudge Report the New York billionaire candidate is considering Hillary as his running mate, after their polling found the Bloomberg-Clinton combination would be a formidable force,” Drudge wrote in one of two very rare tweets to his rarely used Twitter account.

Drudge further claimed via his “exclusive” sources that Bloomberg is considering changing his official residence from New York to make up for an Electoral College shortcoming that “makes it hard for a POTUS and VPOTUS to be from same state.”

Despite his late entrance into the race and his decision to skip the first few caucuses and primaries, Bloomberg has already catapulted into third place in national polls, with RealClearPolitics showing him at an average of 14.2 percent versus Biden’s 19.2 percent and front-runner Bernie Sanders’ 23.6 percent.

At the end of 2019, Her Thighness said “maybe there does need to be a rematch. Obviously, I can beat him again.” (cough)

Her team made relatively little effort to connect with voters on the ground in Wisconsin throughout the entirety of her campaign.  So look out Madison. Heads up Green Bay.  Stay focused Kenosha.  All hands on deck Eau Claire.  Cankles will be coughing up a lung and stumbling up and tumbling down stairs all over the Badger State.

The Democrats are doomed.  Doomed, I tells ya.