Thursday, April 9, 2020

The Hardest Hitting Headline In The History Of The Washington Post

Alexandra Petri waxed dramatic in her opinion piece at The Washington Post.  I kid you not.

The whole landscape was barren, and the fires burned everywhere. And in the smoldering remains of the Senate, Mitch McConnell sat on a throne of skulls making preparations to confirm his 8,999th judge. Mitch McConnell would leave no vacancy behind. 
The people were long gone. The streets were empty, and some old scraps of burned newspaper tossed on the hot, sulfurous wind. And Mitch McConnell was still confirming judges. 
The sky was a dark, angry red. The sun was not visible and had not been visible for a long time. There were no longer any rhinoceroses whatsoever. There were exactly three birds. The halls of Congress were empty except for John Quincy Adams’s ghost and one hoarse buzzard perched on a cracked torso in Statuary Hall. And Mitch McConnell was still confirming judges. 
“Just one more,” he muttered. His voice echoed in the rows of bones all around him. He had been assiduously confirming judges for a very long time, although night and day were now the same and were difficult to measure. Clocks had ceased to exist. “Just one more lifetime appointment.” 
Someone crawled toward him through the dust on hands and knees. “Why?” creaked forth from his chapped lips. “Mitch, why?” It might have been Chuck Grassley. No one could say. There was no one there to say. 
“Is there some curse you are trying to break? Is there some reason?” the voice asked. 
“We can walk and chew gum at the same time,” Mitch McConnell said, as though that were an answer. There had not been chewing gum for a long time. 
Surely there had been a reason long ago. Power, or the desire for power, or the desire to build a legacy. Or a judicial vacancy had gravely insulted his father. Or he had been told by a sea-witch that if he just confirmed a hundred judges to lifetime appointments, his brothers would all be restored to their human form. Or was it 200? He had forgotten. He had to keep confirming them. There would be no vacancies. 
Once there had been other things to do with this power that might have helped people in their brief spans on the globe. Those things were all gone. All that remained was vacancy, and Mitch McConnell was determined to fill it with judges. 
What was a judge? Where would the judge sit? What would the judge uphold or overturn? What did any of it matter? It was not even very clear what he was confirming, except that he was confirming something and would continue to do so even after the sun burned out and the whole world was cast into ice and shadow. 
“Just one more,” Mitch McConnell hissed. “No vacancies. Leave no vacancies.” 
The Fates gave up spinning and measuring and cutting the threads of human lives. Perpetual motion machines wound to a halt. The world tree Yggdrasil cracked and a great serpent swallowed the Earth. Mitch McConnell continued appointing judges. This would be his life’s result. This would be his legacy.

Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Bernie Sanders Tests Negative For President

Comrade Bernie is out.  Via a livestream this morning the Marxist codger told his cult, “I cannot in good conscience continue to mount a campaign that cannot win, and which would interfere with the important work required of all of us in this difficult hour.”

After the shellacking Sanders took on Super Tuesday and in Idaho, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri and North Dakota the following week he told his supporters, “While our campaign has won the battle of ideas, we are losing the battle over electability to Joe Biden.”

The Bronx Bolshevik, Omar the anti-Semite and Hamas Hag Rashida Tlaib were left holding the bag.
Sanders' decision to exit the race calmed fears of a government takeover of the private health insurance market strengthening the stock market today and fueled a rally in managed care firms like United Health (UNH) which would have been hurt by a single-payer health care system.  Hospital stocks also took flight after sharp sell-offs.  HCA Healthcare (HCA) jumped 11% while Universal Health Services (UHS) soared 10%.

As of 4:15 PM today the Dow finished up at 23433.67 gaining 779.71 points, a 3.44% increase.

UPDATE:  Welcome readers of the Raconteur Report.  We appreciate Aesop linking to this post.

Trump Torching Journos On Live TV Is My Favorite Part Of The Day

A lot of people are complaining about having cabin fever while the pandemic stay-at-home orders are in place. Four weeks ago I would have bet good money I hardly ever touched my face.  Has anyone else out there become hyper-aware of how many times you touch your face or start to?

It’s been so long since I got behind the wheel of my car I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to drive.  On the upside, I’m getting incredible gas mileage.  Anybody else getting four weeks to the gallon?

I don’t know what the problem is with some people.  Do they lack imagination?  I’ve separated my pajamas into “daytime” and “nighttime” attire.  My neighbors get to see me walk to the mailbox in jammies with penguins, doggos or snowmen and my little hovel has never been cleaner.  Not a spiderweb anywhere in sight.  Dust doesn’t have a chance in hell of accumulating. I’ve pressure washed every inch of brick on the house, every inch of sidewalk and driveway. Weeds are running scared and the lawn is expertly manicured.

The best part of my day comes around 5 or 5:30 PM when President Donald John Trump holds a White House Coronavirus Task Force update.  In these trying times, the media works feverishly to lie to us with terrifying headlines and contradictory pieces about the Chinese Lung Rot and how Orange Man Bad is effing up the effort to flatten the curve, but the President dunks so hard on journos during these live press briefings it’s become my most favoritist part of the day.

WARNING: John Nolte of Breitbart wrote a profanity-laced statement appearing on Thread Reader.  It’s what I would label NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK, but since you’re not at work, who gives a shit?
Here’s a fucking idea… 
A 3-hour presidential fucking briefing with Jon fucking Karl and his gay little fucking blue glasses, that Herman Munster looking motherfucker from NBFUCKINGC and that gay-hating harridan from CNNLOFUCKINGL whose smug fucking face is one fucking wart short of a fucking witch. And this trio of fuckers will spend all 3 fucking hours only asking Trump why he isn’t fucking shutting the whole fucking country the fuck down. 
And if by some fucking miracle we’re able to fucking crack that fucking mystery, let’s move the fuck on and see if we can’t fucking solve the fucking whodunnit about why Trump supports these fucking anti-malaria drugs. And on the off fucking chance we untie that fucking Gordian knot, let’s fucking have these fucking top-notch fucking Columbo-level questioners ask Trump why he won’t fucking release his fucking taxes. 
Let’s never fucking move this fucking fucker the fuck on. Let’s never fucking stop finding the fuck out how many different fucking ways Trump can fucking answer the same fucking questions over and fucking over and fucking-the-fuck over until we’re all so fucking misinformed and driven fucking mad we’re all fucking licking fucking toilets. 
And I can’t think of three fucking useless fucking lying fuckers more up to the job than the fucking fuckers I call the fucking Franken Witch Blue Fucking Glasses Fucker Trio.
And when this fucking three-the-fuck-hour exercise in fucking illumination is done, let’s all tune to CNNLOFUCKINGL so we can watch Jake Fucking Tapper’s smug little resting bitch fucking face fucking whine like the fucking little Fauntleroy bitch he is because Trump didn’t answer whatever gay-ass retard of a retarded fucking question Tapper wants answered—you know, the fucking question the gay-hating witch face from CNNLOFUCKINGL had 3 fucking hours to fucking ask and fucking didn’t cuz she’s a fucking retard. 
The popular Twitter parody account, Babylon Bee, noted President Trump made improvements in the James S. Brady Press Room adding ejection seats that are controlled from the lectern allowing him to “instantly send any White House reporter on a free trip to somewhere a few hundred yards down Pennsylvania Avenue.”  It escaped their notice that the President also installed something much more impressive; a flamethrower. 

Yesterday, chubby little shit Justin Sink, a reporter for Bloomberg News got shut down when he asked, “Mr. President, can I just check in on the oil again today?”

“Oil?” Trump responded. “Where is it today?”

“Well, I was wondering if you–?” Sink continued.

“No, no. Where’s the price?” Trump fired back. “Give me the price.”

“Uh, I’m not sure to be honest,” Sink responded.

“How can you ask a question when you don’t know the price?” Trump fired back.

And last, but certainly not least, super prick Jim Acosta…

Monday, April 6, 2020

Flowing Curves Of Beauty

The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts, cauliflower and kale is to throw all that crap out and order pizza.

Saturday, April 4, 2020

Saturday Satire

What Did The President Know 
And When Did He Know It?


Tuesday, March 31, 2020

Dear Diary: I Took A Nut Shot From The President

In the Rose Garden yesterday, President Trump announced the United States has tested one million people for COVID-19 and unveiled a new rapid test kit manufactured by Abbott Laboratories which delivers a negative result in 13 minutes when the virus is not detected.

Also during the Coronavirus Task Force press conference, he announced Ford Motor Company is repurposing an auto parts factory west of Detroit to start building simple ventilators to treat patients diagnosed with the virus.

CNN was allowed admittance to the presser.  It was towards the end of the briefing the President called on Jim Acosta.  “Go ahead, let’s give it a shot,” he said.

The arrogant sumbitch mentioned a number of statements the President had made about the virus in recent weeks before asking, “What do you say to Americans who believe that you got this wrong?”

"If you look at those individual statements, they are all true. 'Stay calm. It will go away.' You know, it is going away. And it will go away, and we're going to have a great victory,'" the President said. "It’s people like you and CNN that say things like that. It’s why people just don’t want to listen to CNN anymore."

"I don't want panic in the country. I could cause panic much better than even you," he said. "I would make you look like a minor league player, but you know what? I don't want to do that. I want to have our country be calm. Instead of asking a nasty, snarky question like that, you should ask a real question."

Monday, March 30, 2020

Flowing Curves Of Beauty

We are on this Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I'm not really sure.