Mean Tweets: Hillary Clinton Edition

.@HillaryClinton just dropped the mic! She didn't mean to, it's just that her hands shake because she's very old and frail. #DemDebate

— Jim Treacher ✘ (@jtLOL) January 18, 2016

I just tuned in to the Dem "debate" to hear @HillaryClinton say, "No individual is too big to jail." OK then.

— Monica Crowley (@MonicaCrowley) January 18, 2016

Hillary Clinton, stung by criticism that she is a common harlot serving capitalist bands, calls Bernard Sanders a strange man.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

OK, Hillary is fully embracing the Obama third term tonight. The full panic reveal?

— Jon Ralston (@RalstonReports) January 18, 2016

What I got from that is that Grandma Hills is too old to start another healthcare debate.

— Gabriel Malor (@gabrielmalor) January 18, 2016

Mean Tweets: Bernie Sanders Edition

Bernie doesn't like Iran's anti-American rhetoric. He much preferred the anti-Americanism of the Soviet bloc.

— John Podhoretz (@jpodhoretz) January 18, 2016

if this were a sitcom, Bernie would be gramps, HRC would be his strident daughter, and Martin would be Potsie

— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) January 18, 2016

Bernard Sanders praises nations such as Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea for providing health care as basic right of all workers.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Poor Bernie has look of amused disbelief almost every time Hillary speaks

— Rich Lowry (@RichLowry) January 18, 2016

Why does Bernie Sanders hate moose slums? Shouldn't he pick on the top 1% of moose?

— Jonah Goldberg (@JonahNRO) January 18, 2016

Bernard Sanders shouts in bewildered bafflement that he is hard of hearing.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

My favorite part of the #DemDebate was when Bernie Sanders took George Clooney hostage on air.

— Cuffy (@CuffyMeh) January 18, 2016

Mean Tweets: Martin O’Malley Edition

Martin O'Malley is a mindless chucklebucket

— GregGutfeld (@greggutfeld) January 18, 2016

Martin Omalley is forced to remind democratic debate moderators that he is present and on stage.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Martin Omalley reacts with stunned silence as lapdog reporters finally acknowledge his presence.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Martin Omalley states that he deserves to be placed on a list of social undesirables, loafers, and other criminals.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Ordinary American peasant Martin Omalley observes penitent silence as he is lectured by his ruling class betters.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Martin Omalley babbles in remarkably dim and obscure fashion.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) January 18, 2016

Oh Poo!

The Republican presidential candidates continue to remind voters that Hillary is the only candidate who is under investigation by the FBI.  Knowing this Clinton must be weighed down with worry by what the investigation will reveal.  Such anxiety would be enough to make anyone take up drinking, but Hillary has always liked her booze.

I was one of 17 people who watched the Democratic Presidential Primary debate last night from Saint Anselm College because I take my citizen journalist responsibilities seriously.

I scoured the Internet today to find any bit of news that would explain to my satisfaction why the Democratic front-runner was late returning from a commercial break during last night’s debate.  Not a peep.  Only speculation.

I contacted our cub reporter Scoop and asked if he could do a little snooping.  Here’s the exclusive report he filed just a few minutes ago.

CHAPPAQUA, NY—According to sources close to the Clinton campaign, Hillary has taken to spending more and more time in the can.  Aides are concerned that she may meet the same fate as Elvis who was rumored to have died on the toilet due to “overexertion in the privy.” 

The source, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she clenches her fists, grabs hold of the toilet seat and really bears down.  She has been seen with beads of sweat dotting her aged forehead after emerging from the bathroom. 

The unnamed source allowed our reporter to hide in the corner of the guest house living room where the former Secretary of State was doing a photo shoot for a rather famous company that produces a toilet spray designed to trap unpleasant bathroom odors. 

It was embarrassing to watch as Clinton had to do retake after retake.  She kept saying something about “Irish recruiting videos” and some guy she called “strump”.  Scoop snapped this photograph that pretty much ends any speculation about the causes of her tardiness at the debate and the need for such a voluminous number of retakes for the photo shoot. 

NOTE FROM OUR ATTORNEY:  Not a single word of this parody is remotely truthful unless, of course, you believe what a little squirrel wearing a trenchcoat and fedora with a press card stuck in the hatband says.

Clinton Disappears During Presidential Debate

The Democratic Presidential Primary Debate last night was strange.  Not for the reasons you might think, but rather because of what happened half-way through it.

ABC News and the DNC announced the start time as 8:00 PM.  Instead the network kicked off the debate a half-hour after the scheduled start.  One wonders why.

But that ain’t the half of it.  An hour into it, moderators David Muir and Martha Raddatz announced a commercial break.  After the break, the strangest thing happened.  The camera showed Clinton's center podium without her behind it.  Hmmm.

If her aides told her to take her time because they wouldn’t dare start without her they were wrong.  Muir said, “We believe Secretary Clinton will be coming around the corner any minute” and launched right into a question for Sanders and O’Malley who were on the stage.  Not long after, she took her spot on stage and sheepishly said, “Sorry.”  The audience laughed.

Once Muir’s question finally got to her, he tried to fill her in on what she'd missed. "As you were walking in..."

During the Las Vegas debate in October, Clinton made a similar “mistake” when she decided to take a bathroom break.  Was she taking the Browns to the Super Bowl again?  

Hillary Clinton apologizes for being late. pic.twitter.com/6SkP7fRck1

— POLITICO Video (@POLITICOvideo) December 20, 2015

hillary's backstage drinking her "relaxation juice"

— The Scandalous DJT (@AceofSpadesHQ) December 20, 2015

She's as bored with this as we are ... Not coming back.

— Reince Priebus (@Reince) December 20, 2015

@McCormackJohn @mattklewis She needs some astronaut diapers.

— Nancy Taylor (@claytonryan7) December 20, 2015

Come On Man!

Six days before Christmas on a Saturday night when there’s a football game on TV the Democrats are having a debate?  Come on man.

Even if the NFL had Tom Brady juggling kittens over a moat of fire while his super-model wife Gisele performed Mongolian throat singing they couldn’t get people to watch their mess.

Not familiar with Mongolian throat singing?  Here ya go:

Namby Pamby Democratic Presidential Candidates And The ISIS Savages (God Help Us All)

I set my DVR to record the second Democratic Debate moderated by CBS because I wanted to watch the football game between LSU and Arkansas.  During commercial breaks I’d peek in.

I had read earlier in the day that CBS was proposing changing the format of the debate to discuss the attacks in Paris that took place on Friday.  According to CNN’s Carol Costello, a Sanders aide “lost it” during a conference call saying he did not want the focus to be on foreign policy.

Jazz Shaw, who blogs at Hot Air, shared his thoughts on how the candidates might address what to do about ISIS prior to the start of the debate:

“These three Democrats are great at talking about mass shootings and violence so long as the shooters are either American police officers or racist lunatics. They know just how to answer those questions in a way to most strongly impress their base. Go after the cops in the former case or the NRA in the latter. It comes as easy as a fish takes to water. But what will they say when the death and mayhem is being ladled out on a truly massive scale and the perpetrators are the villains of ISIS who Obama has been so completely ineffective in defeating?”

So here’s the part of the transcript that dealt with that subject:

DICKERSON:  All right, thank you, Governor. Thank all of you. 

The terror attacks last night underscore biggest challenge facing the next president of the United States. At a time of crisis, the country and the world look to the president for leadership and for answers. 

So, Secretary Clinton, I'd like to start with you. Hours before the attacks, President Obama said, "I don't think ISIS is gaining strength." Seventy-two percent of Americans think the fight against ISIS is going badly. Won't the legacy of this administration, which is-- which you were a part of, won't that legacy be that it underestimated the threat from ISIS? 

CLINTON:  Well, John, I think that we have to look at ISIS as the leading threat of an international terror network. It cannot be contained, it must be defeated. 

There is no question in my mind that if we summon our resources, both our leadership resources and all of the tools at our disposal, not just military force, which should be used as a last resort, but our diplomacy, our development aid, law enforcement, sharing of intelligence in a much more open and cooperative way—that we can bring people together. 

But it cannot be an American fight. And I think what the president has consistently said—which I agree with—is that we will support those who take the fight to ISIS. That is why we have troops in Iraq that are helping to train and build back up the Iraqi military, why we have special operators in Syria working with the Kurds and Arabs, so that we can be supportive. 

But this cannot be an American fight, although American leadership is essential. 

DICKERSON:  But as—Secretary Clinton, the question was about, was ISIS underestimated? And I'll just add, the president referred to ISIS as the JV, in a speech at the Council of Foreign Relations in June of 2014 said, "I could not have predicted the extent to which ISIS could be effective in seizing cities in Iraq." 

So you've got prescriptions for the future, but how do we even know those prescriptions are any good if you missed it in the past? 

CLINTON: Well, John, look, I think that what happened when we abided by the agreement that George W. Bush made with the Iraqis to leave by 2011, is that an Iraqi army was left that had been trained and that was prepared to defend Iraq. Unfortunately, Nouri al-Maliki, the prime minister, set about decimating it. And then, with the revolution against Assad—and I did early on say we needed to try to find a way to train and equip moderates very early so that we would have a better idea of how to deal with Assad because I thought there would be extremist groups filling the vacuum. 

So, yes, this has developed. I think that there are many other reasons why it has in addition to what happened in the region, but I don't think that the United States has the bulk of the responsibility. I really put that on Assad and on the Iraqis and on the region itself. 

DICKERSON: Okay, Governor O'Malley, would you critique the administration's response to ISIS. If the United States doesn't lead, who leads? 

O'MALLEY:  John, I would disagree with Secretary Clinton respectfully on this score. 

This actually is America's fight. It cannot solely be America's fight. 

America is best when we work in collaboration with our allies. America is best when we are actually standing up to evil in this world. And ISIS, make no mistake about it, is an evil in this world. 

ISIS has brought down a Russian airliner. ISIS has now attacked a western democracy in—in France. And we do have a role in this. Not solely ours, but we must work collaboratively with other nations. 

The great failing of these last 10 or 15 years, John, has been our failing of human intelligence on the ground. Our role in the world is not to roam the globe looking for new dictators to topple. Our role in the world is to make ourselves a beacon of hope. Make ourselves stronger at home, but also our role in the world, yes, is also to confront evil when it rises. We took out the safe haven in Afghanistan, but now there is, undoubtedly, a larger safe haven and we must rise to this occasion in collaboration and with alliances to confront it, and invest in the future much better human intelligence so we know what the next steps are. 

DICKERSON:  Senator Sanders, you said you want to rid the planet of ISIS. In the previous debate you said the greatest threat to national security was climate change. Do you still believe that? 

I thought you’d rather watch the video than read the transcript, so here’s Bernie’s socialist “hotcoldwetdry” climate change insanity.