The Republican presidential candidates continue to remind voters that Hillary is the only candidate who is under investigation by the FBI. Knowing this Clinton must be weighed down with worry by what the investigation will reveal. Such anxiety would be enough to make anyone take up drinking, but Hillary has always liked her booze.
I was one of 17 people who watched the Democratic Presidential Primary debate last night from Saint Anselm College because I take my citizen journalist responsibilities seriously.
I scoured the Internet today to find any bit of news that would explain to my satisfaction why the Democratic front-runner was late returning from a commercial break during last night’s debate. Not a peep. Only speculation.
I contacted our cub reporter Scoop and asked if he could do a little snooping. Here’s the exclusive report he filed just a few minutes ago.
CHAPPAQUA, NY—According to sources close to the Clinton campaign, Hillary has taken to spending more and more time in the can. Aides are concerned that she may meet the same fate as Elvis who was rumored to have died on the toilet due to “overexertion in the privy.”
The source, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she clenches her fists, grabs hold of the toilet seat and really bears down. She has been seen with beads of sweat dotting her aged forehead after emerging from the bathroom.
The unnamed source allowed our reporter to hide in the corner of the guest house living room where the former Secretary of State was doing a photo shoot for a rather famous company that produces a toilet spray designed to trap unpleasant bathroom odors.
It was embarrassing to watch as Clinton had to do retake after retake. She kept saying something about “Irish recruiting videos” and some guy she called “strump”. Scoop snapped this photograph that pretty much ends any speculation about the causes of her tardiness at the debate and the need for such a voluminous number of retakes for the photo shoot.
NOTE FROM OUR ATTORNEY: Not a single word of this parody is remotely truthful unless, of course, you believe what a little squirrel wearing a trenchcoat and fedora with a press card stuck in the hatband says.