Dirt Bag Bingo

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Hello and welcome to Dirt Bag Bingo.  I’m your host Justin Sider.  Today, we have two new contestants and one returning champion.

JUSTIN:  John, tell us a little bit about yourself.

JOHN:  A month ago my Auntie Maxine was addressing the National Women’s March organizers in Detroit about the “rape culture” among Hollywood and media celebrities and she gave me a wonderful shout-out.  She said, “You know, there is a member of Congress who has been supportive of women for many, many, many years.  He is quiet, he is confident, he is powerful, but he has impeccable integrity on all of our issues.”

JUSTIN:  Bless your heart.  Al, you’ve been patient while John rambled on.  Why don’t you share with us a little something about yourself?

AL:  I used to work as a writer for a well-known comedy show on NBC.  Frankly, I’ve been in a little trouble lately but my female friends from that show wrote a lovely letter explaining what a delightful fellow I am; how I’m a family man.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I respect women. I don't respect men who don't. And the fact that my own actions have given people a good reason to doubt that makes me feel ashamed. Coming from the world of comedy, I've told and written a lot of jokes that I once thought were funny but later came to realize were just plain offensive.

I think my friends just made things worse for me by writing that letter.  The proof was in a tweet from @Laura_Moe who wrote, “Ted Bundy was well-liked by his co-workers too.”

JUSTIN:  Thanks for that deliciously banal Crisis Communications Script.  Now, let’s hear from our returning champion, Bubba.

BUBBA:  Politics gives a guy so much power they tend to behave badly around women and I hope I never get into that.  Hold my beer.

JUSTIN:  That’s all the time we have.  Join us again tomorrow for another stimulating round of Dirt Bag Bingo.

Someone REALLY Needs To Tell Her

I’m not a big fan of the superhero genre with the possible exceptions of Wade Wilson AKA Deadpool, the anti-heroic persona known as the “Merc with a Mouth” and the bizarre blue-costumed Tick who seems to have no memory of his life before becoming the surrealistic parody of a superhero.  These guys are genuinely funny.

What is not funny is a used-up, too-mad-to-just-go-away Hillary Clinton fantasizing about being the President of an imaginary Earth 2.

Her Worship giggled during an interview with Nico Pintey of the liberal online news outlet Now This pretending she won the Presidency in another dimension.  Pintey began the interview saying, “People joke about Earth 2 where you are President.” She answered, “You know we may have just found it!”

The hag was asked how she would tackle the issues facing the United States today, like North Korea, gun control, the opioid crisis and Russia.  None of her answers matter.  “If I had been President, or on Earth 2 where I am, I would have an independent commission look into the alleged hacking of the presidential election.”

Meanwhile, while his wife dreamed of being President, Bill Clinton was doing his publicity boost for the Clinton Foundation among the Puerto Rican homeless.

God knows, if anything needs boosting, it’s the swamped-by-corruption rumors of the pay-for-play Clinton Foundation and the new charges of sexual assault from four women against the 71-year-old Oval Office predator.

According to sources in Clinton's inner circle, the four women are said to be ready to air their accusations of sexual assault at a press conference, making Clinton the latest—and most famous—figure in a long list of men who have recently been accused of sexual assault.

The new allegations refer to incidents that took place more than ten years ago when Clinton was hired by playboy billionaire Ron Burkle to work at his Yucaipa companies. 

Clinton helped Burkle generate business and flew around the world with a flock of beautiful young women on Burkle's private jet, which was nicknamed “Air Fuck One.”

The four women, who have not yet revealed their identities, were employed in low-level positions at the Burkle organization when they were in their late teens and claim they were sexually assaulted by the former president. 

Contacted for a comment on the women's allegations, a member of Clinton's legal team said, “Obviously, I'm aware of the allegations but can't talk about them.”

The new charges are likely to revive the debate over why Democrats defended Clinton during the Monica Lewinsky scandal and why liberals and feminists ignored credible charges of sexual assault against Bubba, not only from Paula Jones, but also from Juanita Broaddrick, Kathleen Willey, and others.

“Bill is distraught at the thought of having to testify and defend himself against sex charges again,” said a Democratic Party official who is familiar with the case. 

“He hopes his legal team can somehow stop the women from filing charges and dragging him through the mud.”

The source added that Hillary Clinton is furious with her husband for getting entangled in yet another sexual scandal.  

She reportedly offered to hire private detectives to dig up dirt on the women, but Bubba’s attorneys persuaded her to not interfere. 

“In the past Hillary had a team of detectives that managed to silence a number of women in Little Rock who had complaints about Bill's unwanted sexual advances,” said the source.  “But now Hillary admits there's a different atmosphere in our culture about sexual harassment and it's not possible to intimidate women into silence about charges once they make up their mind to speak up.  Hillary wants to remain in the public eye as a leader of the Resistance to Donald Trump and play a major role in politics for years to come, including maybe even running for president again in 2020,” the source continued. 

“She's afraid this latest scandal could destroy the Clinton legacy and torpedo her plans.”

At least in space, where Hillary laments she wishes she lived, no one can hear you scream.