Obama Declares Alaska's Pavlof Volcano Number One Global Threat

Declares Global Virgin Shortage Number Two Threat

Gruntington Post [Anchorage, AK] - Under pressure from climate scientists to use the might and power of the White House to act against the erupting Pavlof volcano in Alaska, which is sending millions of tons of ash and greenhouse gases into the upper atmosphere, President Obama made a few calls and took out his pen and declared the eruption the current "Number One Global Threat." He further gave a sternly worded speech at the Griffith Observatory near where he was playing golf in Pasadena, CA, about how the climate catastrophe caused by this one event would threaten "all of mankind," but most especially "people of color, women, gays, muslims and Cubans." Climate scientists squealed in delight.

Later, at a White House press briefing, where he arrived in Air Force One after taking a brief detour to Rio de Janeiro "for a Coke," President Obama was asked repeatedly if he had taken any concrete action against the volcano and its deadly climate effects.

"Well, you know, I've got a lot on my plate. And my staff has taken action to locate a few virgins to help placate the volcano gods. But there are complications in Alaska. Where I'm from, in Hawaii, you dealt with Pele, god of fire. But this volcano is in the Aleutians. So, do you shoot for the Russian ethnic fire gods? Or the Inuits? And have you ever tried to find an actual virgin in Washington DC? It ain't easy. I might have to use Kerry."