In The News

Pop Icon Contemplates Hip Replacement 
Madonna, the artist formerly known as Maria Louise Ciccone, turned sixty years of age on August 16th. Like many aging rock stars, she is starting to get a little long in the tooth.

The undisputed queen of pop has never been one to do things by halves, with a chart-topping career spanning more than three decades and a loyal army of devoted fans. 

And in keeping with her reputation, Madonna is throwing an extravagant five-day bash at a Moroccan palace to celebrate her 60th birthday, and looked sensational as she partied away on the first night. 

On Thursday, the Queen of Pop took to Instagram to share a trio of captivating pictures of herself enjoying her birthday celebrations, dressed in a vibrant floor-length fuchsia gown.

Actually Madonna is very spry due to her excellent conditioning and would put most 60 year olds to shame. But the signs of aging is something that can only be put off for so long and Madonna is thinking about rebranding some of her songs, songs like "Forget DNR - Die Another Day", "Bad Nana", "Where's The Walker?" and "Don't Tell Me (Unless You Shout It)".


The USGA Invents A Brand New Hazard for Golfers
There's eagles, birdies, boogies and now there's pinkies.

PLYMOUTH, Mass. — A 47-year-old man was arrested and charged with mayhem after he allegedly bit off another golfer's finger. 

The incident happened just before sunset Friday at the Southers Marsh Golf Club in Plymouth. 

Someone called 911 reporting that two men had gotten into a fight, and one person bit off the other's finger. When firefighters arrived at the scene, they discovered the victim had his finger bitten off to his knuckle.

It's reported that the severed digit cannot be reattached, so the USGA has upped his handicap from 8 to 11.


Japanese Innovation: New Golden Showers Flights
Initiating a new concept in air travel, this airline  has started offering unlimited free beverages for all lengthy international flights. In order to recover this increased cost, all bathroom facilities on board the aircraft have been eliminated.

An American man has been arrested for urinating on another passenger during a trans-pacific flight. The 24-year-old was flying from Chicago to Narita International Airport, in Tokyo, Japan, with All Nippon Airways (ANA) on Friday, August 17. 

The victim, a 50-year-old Japanese man, stated that he had had no previous contact with the American. 

He is believed to have been sitting two rows behind the suspect on the flight. Police say the American had consumed at least five glasses of champagne before the incident occurred. 

Depending on your hydration, Fly The Yellow Skies!

New Threat To American Urban Centers: Assault Wheelchairs
First it was only our ankles that were in danger when shopping in Walmart, now it's flying lead on the streets. The criminal mind never rests in its quest to explore new ways to victimize innocent people.

When, oh when, will our politicians address the unholy terror visited upon us by the introduction of assault wheelchairs? Register all assault/tactical wheelchairs!

An off-duty NYPD cop shot a wheelchair-bound man after the man started shooting outside of a house party in Brooklyn Sunday morning, police said. 

The 30-year-old wheelchair-bound suspect began shooting outside the party on 43rd Street near Church Avenue in Flatbush around 2:45 a.m., authorities said. 

It was not immediately clear what the man was firing at, police said. 

An off-duty cop who was on the street returned fire, shooting the suspect once in the hip, authorities said.

In The News

Low Hanging Fruit

California authorities arrested a man who was trying to obey the state's bewildering array of gun laws and register his firearms. Obeying laws regulating firearms in California now require the same kind of services as filing your income taxes.

A California man had his home raided, guns seized, and will appear in court this week to face a dozen state felony charges after attempting to register a rifle in accordance with state law 

[...]The issues stem from a new California gun law, one of the strictest in the country, which redefined an "assault weapon" and required anyone with a gun that fell under the new definition to register it with the state. Joe Pilkington, a court-recognized firearms expert, told the news station that California's continually changing gun laws can be very difficult to navigate without professional help.

If California is trying to encourage gun owners to obey the law, this is precisely the way to do it. Not.


Our New BFF?
It doesn't contain everything that we would want, but it doesn't involve anything that we don't want.

President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un signed what Trump says is a “very important” and “pretty comprehensive” document after their Tuesday summit in Singapore. Trump and Kim refused to immediately tell reporters what the declaration said, saying it would be handed out later.

It's a pretty good start considering that we are still at war with North Korea.

Better Put Some Ice On That Interview
Former President and lip balm specialist William Jefferson Clinton decided to channel his inner Goebbels while speaking with Judy Woodruff on the the PBS Newshour.

The former president has come under fire once again for comments he made during a recent sit-down — this time noting how “norms have changed in terms of what you can do to somebody against their will.”

Fortunately the former President did not demonstrate to Ms. Woodruff how his "norms" have changed since his encounters with Juanita Broaddrick and Paula Jones.


This Raises The Bar For All Dumb Moves
Let's see. You have an incredibly well recognized international brand and you want to increase your consumer base to raise profits. What do you do?

IHOP stands for International House of Pancakes. The chain has been around for 60 years and has used the IHOP acronym since 1973. So what in the name of a Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity is IHOP thinking by changing its name to IHOb?

What does the "b" stand for? Burgers? Baloney? Ballistic missiles?  Sure, eating a lot of pancakes is not considered a healthy diet choice, but eating burgers is? Go to any burger joint and order a cheese burger with ketchup, that will add 455 calories to your waist line. Order their most expensive burger with all the extras you can ever imagine... that's gonna run you about 700 calories. The average chocolate chip pancake prepared in a restaurant is 185 calories. Even if you eat two, you're still better off with the pancakes.


Bring Out Your Dead!
My affection for Monty Python movies aside, I just don't think that the dead fully comprehend the issues needed to vote intelligently in our elections. Sure, this is a very unpopular opinion among Democrats, but the US Supremes also think that disenfranchising the deceased is a good idea.

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday revived Ohio's contentious policy of purging infrequent voters from registration rolls in a ruling powered by the five conservative justices and denounced by liberal Justice Sonia Sotomayor as an endorsement of the disenfranchisement of minority and low-income Americans. 

In a 5-4 decision in the closely watched voting-rights case, the high court overturned a lower court's ruling that Ohio's policy violated a 1993 federal law enacted to make it easier to register to vote. All four liberal justices dissented, and top Democrats said the decision will boost what they called Republican voter-suppression efforts. But other states may now follow Ohio's lead.

The liberals crow that Hillary won the popular vote in the 2016 Presidential Elections by 3 million. Of course that number includes 5 million dead voters and that's just in the State of Michigan.