Tuesday, August 21, 2018

In The News

Pop Icon Contemplates Hip Replacement 
Madonna, the artist formerly known as Maria Louise Ciccone, turned sixty years of age on August 16th. Like many aging rock stars, she is starting to get a little long in the tooth.
The undisputed queen of pop has never been one to do things by halves, with a chart-topping career spanning more than three decades and a loyal army of devoted fans. 
And in keeping with her reputation, Madonna is throwing an extravagant five-day bash at a Moroccan palace to celebrate her 60th birthday, and looked sensational as she partied away on the first night. 
On Thursday, the Queen of Pop took to Instagram to share a trio of captivating pictures of herself enjoying her birthday celebrations, dressed in a vibrant floor-length fuchsia gown.

Actually Madonna is very spry due to her excellent conditioning and would put most 60 year olds to shame. But the signs of aging is something that can only be put off for so long and Madonna is thinking about rebranding some of her songs, songs like "Forget DNR - Die Another Day", "Bad Nana", "Where's The Walker?" and "Don't Tell Me (Unless You Shout It)".

The USGA Invents A Brand New Hazard for Golfers
There's eagles, birdies, boogies and now there's pinkies.
PLYMOUTH, Mass. — A 47-year-old man was arrested and charged with mayhem after he allegedly bit off another golfer's finger. 
The incident happened just before sunset Friday at the Southers Marsh Golf Club in Plymouth. 
Someone called 911 reporting that two men had gotten into a fight, and one person bit off the other's finger. When firefighters arrived at the scene, they discovered the victim had his finger bitten off to his knuckle.

It's reported that the severed digit cannot be reattached, so the USGA has upped his handicap from 8 to 11.

Japanese Innovation: New Golden Showers Flights
Initiating a new concept in air travel, this airline  has started offering unlimited free beverages for all lengthy international flights. In order to recover this increased cost, all bathroom facilities on board the aircraft have been eliminated.
An American man has been arrested for urinating on another passenger during a trans-pacific flight. The 24-year-old was flying from Chicago to Narita International Airport, in Tokyo, Japan, with All Nippon Airways (ANA) on Friday, August 17. 
The victim, a 50-year-old Japanese man, stated that he had had no previous contact with the American. 
He is believed to have been sitting two rows behind the suspect on the flight. Police say the American had consumed at least five glasses of champagne before the incident occurred. 
Depending on your hydration, Fly The Yellow Skies!

New Threat To American Urban Centers: Assault Wheelchairs
First it was only our ankles that were in danger when shopping in Walmart, now it's flying lead on the streets. The criminal mind never rests in its quest to explore new ways to victimize innocent people.

When, oh when, will our politicians address the unholy terror visited upon us by the introduction of assault wheelchairs? Register all assault/tactical wheelchairs!
An off-duty NYPD cop shot a wheelchair-bound man after the man started shooting outside of a house party in Brooklyn Sunday morning, police said. 
The 30-year-old wheelchair-bound suspect began shooting outside the party on 43rd Street near Church Avenue in Flatbush around 2:45 a.m., authorities said. 
It was not immediately clear what the man was firing at, police said. 
An off-duty cop who was on the street returned fire, shooting the suspect once in the hip, authorities said.

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