"Clueless in DC"

Dear Abby:

I'm in a bit of a quandary. I'm considered by many to be the leader of the E-fray Orld-way. As a consequence, I have an awful lot on my plate. Three times a day, in fact. (I haven't passed on a really sumptuous meal in the last five years! Sometimes, I have seconds! Thirds, even!)

But, getting back to my problem...I'm at the top of my game. If there's a crisis anywhere in the world, I can draw a red line in my sleep! (I often have!) I then get a really serious look on my face and state that there are "costs" to actions. Believe me there are costs! Do you have any idea how much it costs to take my entourage down to Key West for a simple golf weekend? Less than Hawaii, sure! Or Martha's Vineyard or any of my bi-weekly vacation spots. But, cost is my middle name! (And here you thought it was "Hussein"!)

Then I piously say that I join with our allies in their "concerns". (It sure beats the hell out of taking any meaningful action!) And it's not like there's no one to hold me accountable! I submit to hard hitting interviews on fake radio shows, fake TV shows and The View (but I repeat myself!). Just this week on "Between the Ferns", Zach Galifianakis read those questions with the same fake sincerity he did in rehearsal! But, what's a guy got to do to get a decent "Boxers or briefs?" question around here??

Just listen to what that big meanie Jim Geraghty said about me:

After a tough morning doing an interview with Funny or Die, and in between two fundraisers, President Obama did his part for the economy...

I think he might be being sarcastic!!

You may have heard of that little 'dust up' in the Ukraine. My dear friend Vladimir Putin, who has always been jealous of my charisma and charm, is moving Russian troops into the Crimean peninsula and massing troops and weapons on the Russian border. It's getting so that I cannot go on vacation, or happy hour with my fellow Democrats, or play a round or 36 of golf, without getting criticized for some perceived "lack of leadership"! Can you believe it?? Putin is ignoring me, Angela Merkel isn't taking my calls, Iran is ignoring our agreement on enriching uranium and Obamacare is coming apart at the seams.

My question to you is, should I go with the pink sweater, or hold out for one with a matching scarf? 

Signed,

Clueless in D.C.

Cross posted at Proof Positive