The Earldom Of Detroit Has Been Saved

John Conyers (D-MI), who has been “serving” in the United States Congress since 1965, called into a local Detroit radio show this morning to announce his decision to retire today.  During the Mildred Gaddis Show, Conyers continued to deny he harassed any of his former employees and did not know where the allegations came from. 

Oregon Muse via Ace Of Spades opined:

"So that withered old crone Cokie Roberts now admits that 'everyone knew' not to get into an elevator with Democratic Rep John Conyers because of his gropey, gropey hands. She never raised a complaint about it, though. However, she did spend most of the 1990s winking at and excusing Bill Clinton's horndoggery, while slamming Republicans for being sexist and 'against women'. Ouch. Just thinking about the immense amount of effort it must have taken her to square all of those circles makes my brain hurt."

During the radio interview, Conyers added he wanted his son, John Conyers III, to replace him in Congress. “I have a great family here and especially in my oldest boy, John Conyers III, who incidentally I endorse to replace me in my seat in Congress,” he said. 

I’ll never allow that legacy – a legacy I owe to my father John Conyers, Sr., who integrated labor unions, or my two amazing sons John III & Carl and my loving wife Monica, and the extraordinary people of Detroit – to be cast aside, or these causes to be in any way diminished.

— John Conyers, Jr. (@RepJohnConyers) November 26, 2017

Has a suitable heir been found?  Conyers’ great-nephew, Michigan State Senator Ian Conyers, is set to run for his seat.  It seems the feudal lords of Detroit still have the rights of prima nocta.

Gadzooks! Palace intrigue afoot as Prince John II fights challenge for the throne by his cousin the Earl of Southfield https://t.co/o6jHYp4wGg

— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) December 5, 2017

Dirt Bag Bingo

There is nothing wrong with your television set. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it louder, we will bring up the volume. If we wish to make it softer, we will tune it to a whisper. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your television set. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to…Dirt Bag Bingo.

Hello and welcome to Dirt Bag Bingo.  I’m your host Justin Sider.  Today, we have two new contestants and one returning champion.

JUSTIN:  John, tell us a little bit about yourself.

JOHN:  A month ago my Auntie Maxine was addressing the National Women’s March organizers in Detroit about the “rape culture” among Hollywood and media celebrities and she gave me a wonderful shout-out.  She said, “You know, there is a member of Congress who has been supportive of women for many, many, many years.  He is quiet, he is confident, he is powerful, but he has impeccable integrity on all of our issues.”

JUSTIN:  Bless your heart.  Al, you’ve been patient while John rambled on.  Why don’t you share with us a little something about yourself?

AL:  I used to work as a writer for a well-known comedy show on NBC.  Frankly, I’ve been in a little trouble lately but my female friends from that show wrote a lovely letter explaining what a delightful fellow I am; how I’m a family man.  Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I respect women. I don't respect men who don't. And the fact that my own actions have given people a good reason to doubt that makes me feel ashamed. Coming from the world of comedy, I've told and written a lot of jokes that I once thought were funny but later came to realize were just plain offensive.

I think my friends just made things worse for me by writing that letter.  The proof was in a tweet from @Laura_Moe who wrote, “Ted Bundy was well-liked by his co-workers too.”

JUSTIN:  Thanks for that deliciously banal Crisis Communications Script.  Now, let’s hear from our returning champion, Bubba.

BUBBA:  Politics gives a guy so much power they tend to behave badly around women and I hope I never get into that.  Hold my beer.

JUSTIN:  That’s all the time we have.  Join us again tomorrow for another stimulating round of Dirt Bag Bingo.