From the looks of
things someone whose Twitter bio describes them as #NeverAgain #Resist got the
ball rolling with the hashtag #secondcivilwarletters.
My Immortal Beloved:— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
I am trapped behind enemy lines and I fear many of the horrific atrocities we presumed to be merely urban legends are indeed true.
They eat Miracle Whip and Ted Nugent has fans.
Pray for us.
Jeb
#secondcivilwarletters
As fate would have it,
America’s favorite Twitterer, Iowahawk, tweeted his version of #secondcivilwarletters
to his “Darling
Clara” and
it was hilarious (cue the violins):
#secondcivilwarletters— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
My Darling Clara,
I write to you today along the Twittermattox timeline where the infirmary tents continue to fill without cessation, the woods ringing with the barking despairs hollowed-eyed souls driven to madness by butthurt and sick burns.
I have done what I can to stanch the outbreaks of gangrene and capslock but I fear there will be no respite, as Colonel Trump's militia and the Resisters have vowed victory, even down to the final lunatic, and I am running low on bandages and alcohol.— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
The situation has become desperately hilarious and I fear that I, like so many others, shall lose my own buttocks to the dark laughter. I implore you my dearest to please pray for my buttocks and send more alcohol.— David Burge (@iowahawkblog) July 3, 2018
Your Faithful and Devoted BAE,
David
Then news from the enemy’s
front lines proved to be equally dismal:
Dearest Parents,— Tim 🌊🏘 (@tim_username) July 3, 2018
The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort. 😢 #SecondCivilWarLetters
#secondcivilwarletters My dearest dear. All hope is lost. The fake vaginas didn't work. Screeching also failed. I fear the resistance, as it is today, is an utter failure. Please enlighten those at home to this dire situation. We need more triggers.— maurice nickless (@mnix49mn) July 3, 2018
Dearest love— John Callahan (@dnj9399) July 3, 2018
I regret to write you one last passage. For our troops to survive we must drink water here in Flint, MI #secondcivilwarletters
My dearest Megan,— BionicJoe (@Bionicjoe) July 3, 2018
My only hope is that this letter makes it into the Ken Burns documentary on PBS. Send a portion of my check to the 'Viewers Like You' telethon, and forever carry our love in the free tote bag.
Yours in covfefe,
Joe #secondcivilwarletters
"If
I fall in battle, dearest, promise you will play Ashokan Farewell at my funeral
and I shall die a happy man..."
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