Friday, November 14, 2014

Operation Nutcracker

In my previous post I shared a story about an expensive and annoying problem that I am facing with a marauding band of gray squirrels.  I solicited ideas for how to prevent these sumbitches from chewing through the wiring harness on my car.

Some of your ideas were helpful.  One commenter, and you know who you are, made light of this nuisance comparing it to Frostbite Falls and invoking the characters of Mr. Big, Dear Leader, Boris and Natasha.  Very funny.  The comparison amused another commenter as well.

Far too many people see the little squirrel as cute and cuddly.  In Great Britain squirrels evoke strong emotions.  So great is the passion of Brits that figurines have been created of Beatrix Potter’s squirrel characters like the brazen Squirrel Nutkin, his brother Twinkleberry, Tufty Fluffytail and Timmy Tiptoes.

Squirrels are prodigious breeders. They dig holes in the yard to bury nuts to store for later.  Then they dig more holes searching for the nuts they’ve buried.  The dumb critters forget where they’ve buried them, so for every nut they bury they dig five or six more holes searching for their nuts.  Squirrels never stop gnawing because their teeth never stop growing.  In my case, they chewed up the wiring harness on my car costing me almost $400 to have repaired.

I must wage war on these varmints.  I have launched Operation Nutcracker, a lethal approach to solving my squirrel problem.  Mind you I’ve tried to be humane and the thanks I got was a costly repair bill.

After I left my doctor’s office Thursday, I headed to the grocery store (it was Senior Discount Day).  I had added pecan halves to my shopping list.  Then I headed over to my Ace Hardware Store.  Peggy was at the cash register at the front of the store.  I asked her where the rat traps and Gorilla® glue were.  Aisle 14 for the traps; Aisle 2 for the glue.

I walked back to the cash register and made a point of telling Peggy that I was determined to take out these destructive vermin. She looked approvingly at my purchase and then I headed home.

Operation Nutcracker involves placing a sign near the car warning the varmints, in the vein of Sir Winston Churchill that reads, “I shall fight on the seas and oceans, I shall fight on the beaches, I shall fight in the fields and in the streets, I shall fight in the hills.  I shall never surrender.”

Then I will place rat traps baited with pecan halves that I glued to the traps. I worked on the mechanisms a bit to give them a hair trigger so when they try to eat the tasty treats *SNAP*.  

Meanwhile, I will continue to lay down sniper fire using my GAMO Whisper G2 air rifle with laser sight.  I also have ordered a 5-lb. bag of fox urine granules as a repellent.  If my “strategery” fails, I will call the wildlife removal service I spoke with yesterday and let them take over the operation.

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