Thursday, June 26, 2014

I’m With The Dog On This

Ann Coulter penned a spoof about soccer yesterday that I’m certain left many soccer fans feeling butt-hurt.  She fell short of explaining, as Bobby’s dad did in King of the Hill, that “soccer was invented by European ladies to keep them busy while their husbands did the cooking.”

Honestly, I can’t get into the soccer futbol thing.  I’ve tried.  Lord knows I’ve tried.  Team USA is in the so-called Group of Death.  Group of Death?  C’mon man.  Every time one of these guys trips on a blade of grass they roll around on the turf writhing in pain.  What a bunch of babies.

I tried again today to watch a game starring Team USA.  I know what to do when a real football game is on.  Invite a bunch of friends over to pig out on chips, burgers, wings—you know—party chow.

What does one do for a soccer game that airs at noon on a Thursday?  I had Chinese delivered:  hot and spicy shrimp, lobster fried rice, teriyaki chicken on a stick and Sa Cha chicken.

I fluffed up the pillows, put some of the tasty morsels in a bowl for Sophie my furkid to partake of and proceeded to watch men getting drenched in a torrential downpour kick the ball to and fro for an hour-and-a-half and once, only once, did the pretty little ball go in the pretty little net at the end of the rain-soaked field for a goooooooaaaaaalllllll.

Not even “Teddy Goalsevelt” could whip up any excitement in me for today’s game.  How is it even possible that you can lose a game and still win?  That’s f’d up.

I’m in the camp with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog who reported from the streets of Queens, NY, "Tens of thousands of Africans, Europeans and South Americans are converging in Brazil to create a flash mob of horrible BO.  The rest of the world calls it futbol.  In America, we call it a fucking waste of time…You have to love soccer:  the excitement of minimal contact, the thrill of low scoring. If you like watching porn in reverse, this sport is for you.”


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