Saturday, August 31, 2019

Chick-fil-A Kickoff Game: Alabama Crimson Tide VS Duke Blue Devils

In a return to its ACC-SEC roots, the Chick-fil-A Kickoff Game will host the Alabama Crimson Tide and the Duke Blue Devils in their first matchup since 2010.  Alabama romped past the Devils 62-13.

The Blue Devils, who have gone head-to-head against the Tide a total of four times, have emerged victorious only once:  the 1945 New Year’s Day Sugar Bowl.

Duke finished last season giving up an average of 319 yards per game, 197 through the air and 222 on the ground.  Their defense allowed 27.4 points per game.

Bama is favored in this one by 33.5 points, despite first-half suspensions of Najee Harris, Brian Robinson, Devonta Smith and Terrell Lewis for missing a team function during fall camp.

Dyed-in-the-wool Bama fans know All-American linebacker Dylan Moses is out for the season after suffering a torn ACL in practice, but Coach Saban is high on a 245-pound four-star prospect, Shane “The Hulk” Lee.

Henry Russell, who coached at Lee’s high school said of the true freshman, “He’s a brick house. He runs well. He’s strong as an ox. So physically, I don’t really worry about him too much. I think it’s more getting all the mental stuff down and the speed of the college game, but I think he’s a lot more comfortable. If you had asked him to come in and start at the beginning of the spring, it would have been really tough. But now, he’s got the spring under his belt, camp under his belt and now the only thing he’s got to get is some game experience.”

If you’re like me, you’ve been waiting ten years, yes, ten long years for Bama to find a guy who can consistently kick the ball through the damn uprights.  Tide fans thought the curse had been broken when Joseph Bulovas was tapped for the job.  Bama is better at almost everything EXCEPT the kicking game.  Its kickers are worse than the national average.

Now though, the team will turn to Will Reichard.  Will he be the long-awaited answer?

“Will’s a very talented guy and he’s done extremely well in fall camp, and we think that he can do a good job,” Tide coach Nick Saban said. “But like any other guy, he’s got the talent and ability to do it, but what’s he going to do in a game? We’re confident in him. He gets the ball off quickly. He’s got a really strong leg. His accuracy in scrimmages and practice has been very good.”

Today’s game will be a chance to totally dominate the Blue Devils.  It won’t erase the heartbreaking loss to Clemson, but it will get Bama back to being Bama again.  No more stewing over what happened seven months ago.

I hope you’ll toddle over to Diogene’s Middle Finger for some humorous perspective on other Week One SEC games.


Thursday, August 29, 2019

Comey: “I’m Just A Catty Bitch”

A just-released Justice Department Inspector General's report provides new details on the January 2017 plan by then-FBI Director James Comey, FBI officials and the nation's intelligence chiefs to spring a scandalous allegation on President-elect Trump, quickly record his reaction, use a prearranged secure videoconference to discuss the information, and fit it all into the FBI's ongoing "Crossfire Hurricane" investigation.

The allegation came from the so-called “dirty” dossier which was a collection of unverified tales about Trump and Russia compiled by former British spy Christopher Steele. The story was that in a Moscow hotel room four years earlier, Donald Trump had watched as prostitutes performed a kinky sex act as Russian intelligence service cameras rolled.

The new report shows Comey and other top officials placed great credibility in the allegation, which even Steele himself reportedly had grave doubts about.

Comey, Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe, Chief of Staff James Rybicki, General Counsel James Baker, Peter Strzok and Lisa Page prepared “meticulously” for the moment when Comey would meet with President-Elect Trump alone in Trump Tower and ambush him with the salacious findings in the dossier.

“Comey said he had a secure FBI laptop waiting for him in his FBI vehicle and that when he got into the vehicle, he was handed the laptop and ‘began typing as the vehicle moved,'” the report says. He worked on his account as the FBI car took him to the New York field office, where aides had set up a secure video teleconference with Rybicki, McCabe, Baker, and the “Crossfire Hurricane” supervisors. Comey continued to work on his memo after that and sent the group a final version the next day, Saturday, Jan. 7.

This has to be the closest our country has come to a coup attempt in modern times.

Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) said during a Fox News interview, “Power does not change you; it unmasks you. I believed for a long time and this report confirms it, Mr. Comey is a meat head. He is a political hack. He hurt the FBI badly.”

“The FBI should not be a political body. And Mr. Comey acted like a political operative while he was F.B.I. Director and every day since.  It’s just sleazy. I think Chris Wray [FBI Director] has a lot of work to do to regain the confidence of the American people for the FBI.”

Kennedy added that while he believes most FBI officials are “professionals,” Comey has done significant damage to the institution.

“I believe before this report came out he just cheapened the premier law enforcement agency in all of human history.  He ought to hide his head in a bag.”
Comey released a statement portraying the scathing report as a type of victory and encouraged his critics to send their apologies to him. 
He has magnanimously accepted phantom apologies no one has offered and claimed exoneration appearing nowhere in the Inspector General’s report. 

Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Where Did It All Go Wrong For Kirsten Gillibrand?

Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand dropped out of the Democratic presidential race on Wednesday after she failed to qualify for the third debate in Houston.  The feminazi’s campaign focused on women’s issues but never really caught fire with Democrat voters.

Gillibrand told The New York Times she will endorse someone else in the presidential race hinting it would be another female candidate.

“Rocky” Sanders: “I Coulda Been A Contendah”

Socialist kookwad Bernie Sanders held a rally in Louisville, KY on Sunday at the Muhammad Ali Center according to the Louisville Courier-Journal.  He took swipes at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and spoke of his proposal to phase out fossil fuels.

Trying not to make the same catastrophic mistake Hillary Clinton made in West Virginia in 2016, Sanders did not shy away from discussing coal miners in his speech.  “Coal miners are not my enemy.  Workers in the fossil fuel industry are not my enemies.  Climate change is our enemy,” he proclaimed.

While at the Ali Center, Sanders was filmed taking some pantywaist swipes at a speed bag.  It was honestly the most pathetic thing I’ve ever seen.  He doesn’t know how to block which explains his monumental loss to Granny Clinton.

Leaders of other nations will look at this pitiful worm and piss all over themselves laughing.  Barney Fife should give Sanders a few pointers on being a tough guy.  After all, Bernie came out on the losing end when he tangled with a shower door and had to get seven stitches in his noggin. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Joe Is Going To End Up Depriving Us Of The Spectacle Of Debating President Trump

One week ago, Joe Biden’s wife spoke to a group of teachers in Nashua, NH imploring, "I know that not all of you are committed to my husband, and I respect that, but I want you to think about your candidate, his or her electability, and who's going to win this race.  So, I think if your goal is to beat Donald Trump, we have to have someone who can beat him. Your candidate might be better on, I don't know, health care, than Joe is, but you've got to look at who's going to win this election.  And maybe you have to swallow a little bit and say, 'OK, I personally like so and so better,' but your bottom line has to be that we have to beat Trump."

After that astonishingly tepid cajoling, we find Joe Biden is hemorrhaging support as the public absorbs a daily diet of his campaign trail blunders.

Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren are in virtual three-way tie in the 2020 Democrat primary race according to the latest Monmouth University Poll.

The Biden camp dismissed the results saying, “It’s an outlier contradicted by every measure of the national average,” but it’s important to note this same poll had him at 32% a scant two months ago.

Director of the Monmouth poll, Patrick Murray said, “Moderate voters, who have been paying less attention, seem to be expressing doubts about Biden. They are swinging more toward one of left-leaning contenders with high name recognition rather than toward a lesser known candidate who might be more in line with them politically.”

Sleepy Joe is pitted against a Democrat clown car careening towards an ideology that smacks of Karl Marx and Nicholas Maduro.  The next round of debates in Houston will be perilous for him. 

On the campaign trail in New Hampshire Biden said, “I want to be clear, I’m not going nuts.”
UPDATE:  Welcome readers of Bad Blue Uncensored News.  We thank Doug Ross for linking to this post. 

Monday, August 26, 2019

Flowing Curves Of Beauty


No one is ever completely useless; at the very least you can serve as a bad example.




Sunday, August 25, 2019

The Front Is Going To Fall Off This One Too

Joe Walsh, not the guitarist for The Eagles, but former Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh announced Sunday morning he will primary President Trump. 

Acknowledging he has very little chance of defeating the President in a GOP primary, he told ABC’s George Stephanopoulos he wanted to promote a different direction for the Republican Party.  He joins former Massachusetts Governor Bill Weld who had earlier announced his challenge of President Trump.
The “intellectual architect” of the Iraq War and adviser to the McCain and Romney campaigns, Bill Kristol is behind this little charade.  Ever since President Trump’s inauguration Kristol has found himself on the unfamiliar periphery of the DC Beltway.

The de facto head of Never-Trump Inc., Kristol is foisting a very weak retail politician onto his “war” on Trump.  Rest assured Walsh is not the savior his Never Trump minions have been seeking.

This will be yet another failed attempt by “Cap’n” Bill.  He needs to get mugged by reality, climb down from his ivory tower and stop being such a g-d sore loser.

President Trump’s reelection campaign had a one-word response to Walsh’s announcement today:  “Whatever.”

Just like the now-defunct Weekly Standard and the cruise ship so many snooty GOP elites booked, Walsh’s bid is cruising to defeat and the front is going to fall off.
  

Democrat Of The Month

A Walk On The Wild Side

Saturday, August 24, 2019

The Letters In Joe Biden’s Alphabet Soup Spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R Yesterday

Yesterday, at a campaign stop in Loon Lake, NH Democrat “front-runner” Joe Biden asked a curious question:  “What if Barack Obama had been assassinated?”

Recalling his collegiate days Biden said, “My senior semester, [Martin Luther King, Jr. and Robert F. Kennedy] were both shot and killed.  Imagine what would have happened if, God forbid, Barack Obama had been assassinated after becoming the de facto nominee.  What would have happened to America?”

His bizarre comments were reported by multiple media outlets, including the New York Times, NBC, the Associated Press and the Washington Post causing his remarks to go viral.  Biden campaign staffers were apoplectic forcing them to blast journalists for what they described as “chasing clicks.”
But hang on.  Joe’s brain farts didn’t end there.  He went on to say, “You had over 40 kids shot at Kent State on a beautiful lawn by the National Guard.”  The incident saw 4 not 40 students killed during the anti-Vietnam War protest on May 4, 1970.

Then Uncle Joe continued to blunder through his speech while discussing his health care plan in which he stated, “If you’re not satisfied, you have another option. High quality options.  The public option will be available in my plan.  We’ll make sure it’s not quality.  We’ll make sure it’s only affordable.” 
Oh, my stars.  This is just plain pitiful.  This guy is the shakiest front-runner ever.  Of course, The World’s Most Dangerous Community Organizer isn’t going to endorse his candidacy.  This guy’s a turkey if ever there was one. 

Friday, August 23, 2019

CNN’s High Horse Has Been Put Out To Pasture

It was just yesterday that CNN's “Tater” Stelter was caterwauling about the hiring of former White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders as a Fox News contributor and Sean Spicer as a new cast member on ABC's Dancing with the Stars. 
This morning CNN announced via a tweet from Senior Media Reporter Oliver Darcy that the cable network has hired disgraced former FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe as a contributor.

I’m just spit-balling here, but I imagine the job interview was fairly matter of fact:  Do you hate President Trump with every fiber of your being?  Did you leak confidential information to this network?  Have you repeatedly lied like a rug?  Alrighty then, when can you start?

Why would the most reliable source of fake news hire this corrupt little weasel?  Internal polling showed that 1 out of 3 CNN viewers are just as stupid as the other two.

McCabe will fit in nicely with Don Lemon who has been accused of assaulting someone in a New York bar “vigorously rubbing his genitalia, removing his hand and shoving his index and middle fingers into the victim’s mustache and under his nose with aggression and hostility.”

McCabe was Peter Stzrok and Lisa Page’s “insurance policy” in the Trump-Russia collusion hoax.  So, just like Fredo Cuomo’s promise to fuck up a guy’s world, he’s in sleazy company.

Oh, speaking of mafioso tactics, there’s the incident involving CNN’s April Ryan whose bodyguard violently ejected a journalist who was covering her speech at the Fourth Annual New Jersey Parent Summit recently.

What’s next for the cable laughingstock?  Hiring O. J. Simpson as an expert on civility and anger management?

NOTE FROM OUR ATTORNEYS:  That survey about CNN’s viewers is satire not fact.  Sorry if you’re disappointed.  Not sorry for the funny.

Thursday, August 22, 2019

Who Was The Last Person To See Jimmy Hoffa? Jacques Cousteau

A massive wave of dead bees in Brazil has sparked concern among environmentalists. As reported by Bloomberg, roughly 500 million bees have dropped dead in the Latin American country over the last three months.

Environmentalists suspect that the recent influx of newly registered pesticides allowed in Brazil have contributed to the wave of dead bees.

Sounds like Brazil is covering up some heinous murder plot.  After all, the day after 2,000 pages of documents were unsealed in a Manhattan federal court revealing new, repugnant details of sex abuses against Jeffrey Epstein, friend of Bubba and Cankles, he was “suddenly” dead of an “apparent suicide.”

The Clintons were spotted making their way along a beachfront in the Hamptons on Wednesday.  We have photographic evidence to that effect.  Inspector Clouseau  is investigating their alibi for the last three months.

Clouseau wants to know what the bees knew about Hillary and Bubba because everybody knows you don't breathe a word to anyone about what you know about the Clintons.

Inslee Bites The Dust

Since launching his campaign in March, Washington Governor Jay Inslee drew accolades from tree-hugging radicals and fellow Democrat presidential candidates who publicly supported the buck-toothed, big-boobed Bronx Bolshevik bartender’s Green New Deal for his ambitious plans to combat climate change.

Though likely Democrat voters have named the climate crisis among their top issues, Inslee and his proposals never garnered support on the campaign trail.

On Monday, Inslee’s campaign celebrated his amassing of 130,000 separate donors, surpassing a threshold set by the DNC to qualify for the third televised debate in September. But he was never close to the DNC’s other threshold — 2% support in early polls. He didn’t reach the mark in any poll and his polling average hovered just barely above zero.

On Wednesday morning, Inslee released the sixth plank of his comprehensive plan to combat climate change and transform the national economy. Just 12 hours later, he announced he was done on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow show.  He said during the interview it had become clear to him he had no path to his party’s nomination.

"It's become clear that I'm not going to be carrying the ball.  I'm not going to be the president, so I'm withdrawing tonight from the race."

Inslee also said, “There are other avenues for me to be very effective at pushing the climate change message.”

Sure, you can, Jay.  It’s so easy a caveman can do it.  Why don’t you give Al Gore a ringy-dingy?  You can become ManBearPig, Jr. and become a trillionaire with a carbon footprint the size of Godzilla’s.

Gore’s home in the toney Belle Meade section of Music City, TN  guzzles more electricity in one year than the average American family uses in 21 years. Twenty-one YEARS.

NOTE FROM OUR ATTORNEY:  We are compelled to inform our readers, so as not to trigger the folks at Snopes.com, that the GEICO™ caveman does not endorse this post nor Jay Inslee.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

The “Blahs” Is Off To See The Wizard

Bill “The Groundhog Murderer” de Blasio is just another on-the-make political opportunist with a commitment to lunatic left-wing politics that’s purely conditional. 

When reporters recently noted that more than three-quarters of New Yorkers thought a presidential run was a bad idea, he dryly responded, “I’m glad I could unify the people of New York City.”

No matter what he does he’s met with mockery. There have been several national articles written explaining to the rest of the country why New Yorkers hate the putz.

A recent Quinnipiac University poll shows Blahs at zero percent support in the 2020 presidential race and he will not make the Democrat debate stage in September.  He’s taking on water faster than the Titanic.

The deluge of jokes about Hizzoner shows no signs of stopping.

Apparently, Lurch couldn’t make a flight to appear in person at the Iowa Federation of Labor and opted for a video call.  There was a “technical glitch” that hilariously altered his voice.  For all the world it sounded like Ol’ Blahs had sucked on a balloon filled with helium.  It sounded like an imitation of Alvin The Chipmunk or one of the Lollipop Kids in The Wizard of Oz.

I blame the Curse of the Groundhog.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Flowing Curves Of Beauty


Marriage is the IKEA of relationships:  Easy to walk into, confusing to piece together and hard as hell to exit.





Saturday, August 17, 2019

Joe Biden’s Folly

Hoo boy!

Sleepy Joe’s campaign held a “rally” at the Portland Pie Company in Manchester, NH.  Joe wasn’t there.  About 30 people showed up according to a published report from the Eagle-Tribune.

Just down the street President Trump was hosting his rally.

The attendance for the President’s rally at the Southern New Hampshire University Arena was confirmed by the Manchester Deputy Fire Marshall to be 11,500 with another 8,000 waiting outside in the overflow crowd area.

Joe is in “time out” right now because his gaffes have been giving his campaign advisers a bucket-load of heartburn.  By restricting his appearances on the campaign trail, it is hoped they can stave off his propensity for sticking his foot in his mouth and limit the ability of his opponents to capitalize on his blunders.
Hey, it could just as easily have been Burlington Coat Factory. You never know with Sleepy Joe.

The Biden campaign likes to highlight that it permits the national press to cover its fundraisers via pooled coverage. But that may prove a point about his problems with national coverage. The former Vice President has created some of the biggest flaps for his campaign via remarks uttered in these settings.

Someone leaked a story to the New York Times that The World’s Most Dangerous Community Organizer was concerned the addle-pated Biden was “too old” and “out of touch with the current political climate” suggesting he hire younger staffers more capable of connecting with younger voters.

Biden was “quietly pressured” against running in the 2016 presidential race because Granny was to be coronated Queen of the World;  Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania notwithstanding.

So, now The World’s Most Dangerous Community Organizer has sternly warned Biden had better not “embarrass himself” or “damage his legacy.” “You don’t have to do this Joe, you really don’t,” he said.

Bless your heart, Barry.  It’s way too late to be concerned about the damage being done to your precious legacy.  The other three trillion Democrats running in 2020 have already torched it during the last two debates with the unforced errors of a befuddled buffoon. 

Friday, August 16, 2019

The Air Has Gone Out Of Beto O’Dork’s Candidacy

Yesterday we saw milquetoast weakling John Hickenloser suspend his bid to become the Democrat nominee for President and if that wasn’t thrilling enough, the day also saw the guy who honestly believes we want to see him get his ear hairs trimmed or listen to the sound of his slobber being sucked into that thingy at the dentist’s office announce his second, yes, his second campaign reboot.

The day before we were treated to what was clearly a staged, if not cringeworthy, attempt at Beto’s Roadside Assistance.
Since he launched his campaign in March, Robert Francis O’Rourke has seen the press corps that followed him around thin out and his poll numbers mired in the single digits.  But this time, yes, this time things are going to be different!  Not only will he change tires faster, he’ll cuss less and try to scare the bejeebers out of you.

In his morning address to a small crowd Beto said, “I’m confident that if, at this moment, we do not wake up to this threat [gun violence] then we as a country will die in our sleep.  To those places where Donald Trump has been terrorizing and terrifying and demeaning our fellow Americans, that’s where you will find me and this campaign.”

So…we won’t find him anywhere?  That’s a bold move, Cotton!

Thursday, August 15, 2019

He Showed His Complete Incompetence On The National Stage

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper (who?) withdrew, via video, from the contest for the Democratic presidential nomination Thursday morning.

“’Hick’ plopped down on some stranger’s porch out in the middle of Iowa with a cameraman in tow and read his prepared statement with all the canned passion we’ve come to expect from him, about all the serious thought he will give to a Senate run,” noted Colorado Peak Politics.

Hickenloser, er, Hickenlooper was never named by likely caucus-goers as their first choice as the Democrat nominee for President.  That’s an insult Jay Inslee and Gov. Steve Bullock managed to avoid.

Even in Colorado, where he is allegedly well-known among Democrats, he received just 7% of the vote in a Public Policy Polling survey.

There was so little grassroots appetite for his candidacy that, four months into his campaign, he had reportedly amassed only 13,000 individual donors. At the time, an anonymous source reported staff informed Hickenlooper his campaign was on pace to run out of money by the end of August.

Democrats are frantic.  Colorado is a must-win for them if they want to take back control of the Senate.  Sixty-one percent of Democrats think Hickenloser has the best chance of unseating Republican Senator Cory Gardner in the general election.

There’s just one teeny, tiny little problem.  Hickenlooper is on record saying he doesn’t want to be a senator and “I don’t think that’s my calling.”  There’s even a video of him declaring, “the Senate doesn’t attract me.  If the Senate’s so good, how come all those senators are trying to get out?”

If the GOP is clever, they’ll take those clips of Ol’ Hick and whip up an attack ad or two to rub his nose in it.

Talk About Open Secrets: Epstein Owned Bill Clinton

The Daily Mail published an exclusive report revealing the twisted relationship between Bill Clinton, his family and notorious pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

Jeffrey Epstein had a bizarre portrait of Bill Clinton in a dress hanging in his Manhattan mansion. The painting was secretly photographed inside Epstein’s lavish $56 million home in October 2012.

The original painting is called “Parsing Bill” and is by Australian-American artist Petrina Ryan-Kleid, although it is unclear if Epstein had bought the canvas or had a print mounted. Ryan-Kleid exhibited for her degree show when she graduated with a Master of Fine Arts degree in 2012 from the New York Academy of Art.

The picture showing Kleid proudly displaying this sick piece of shit is from the website Guest of A Guest.  Reporter Daniel Reynolds wrote, “Last night, the New York Academy of Art opened its doors for the annual Tribeca Ball, a star-studded evening of cocktails, dining and art—six floors of it from over 100-plus emerging New York artists.”

The Academy is considered the premier institution for studying the human figure, so naturally, its students' artwork focused on the body. Nudes were a common sight -- and not just on the canvas. In one room, a naked model held a pose while well-dressed patrons, seemingly unaware, munched on miniature hamburgers.”

Those who have seen the published photograph from the Daily Mail are either titillated by it or are convinced the thing is Photoshopped.  I can assure you it is not.

Here’s a screenshot from Saatchi Art in case, you know, a certain someone orders it be scrubbed from the Internet.

Click image to enlarge